December 17, 2012

In Praise of Contemporary Music (Back by Popular Demand)

/ At: 2:33 PM/

I wrote this years ago, and people have asked about it since.  Do enjoy.

*  *  *

I often find myself so moved by the expressiveness of contemporary musical scores, I can hardly contain my existence. For this very reason, and other quasi-existential things, I have been moved to write a contemporary score of my own. However, I fear that too many people lack the intricate power of expressive thought to appreciate the piece for its true genius. Alas, I publish it in hopes that at least one of you among the fickle mass will emancipate yourself from those terribly heavy intellectual bonds. And now my humble offering upon the pyre of knowledge . . .

An Occurrence of Morning Dew Upon The Spirit of Mankind or How a Nest is Best De-birded
Op. 69, N.P.S. (No Particular Scale)

Movement The First
Time Signature: 3/17, affettuoso

[Plant face in center of keyboard] rest half beat [Drag face along keyboard to left]; [Grab person closest and make the sound of a turtle].

Second Movement
Ibid. a fortiori
[Do nothing for 35 minutes]; [Return face to keyboard (center)]; [Pluck string of harp (scowl)]; [Play middle C on piano (smile)].

Movement The Third
Time Signature: 17/3, larghetto con brio
[Grab person closest and make the sound of a turtle]; rest half beat [Plant face to left of keyboard (look confused)]; [Reenact your birth].


I do hope you enjoy this piece; as I have put much love and thought into it. For those of you who are competent, there may be some question as to my choice at the end of the piece. Some might say reenacting one's birth is a form of resolve, but this is not so. Rather it should be viewed as the beginning of becoming. This becoming implies the birth of man from chaos, and forebodes difficulty thereafter.

You may also notice the title has very little to do with the piece itself. Indeed; as the living will find life often has nothing to do with anything.

As a final note; keys stroked during the dragging of your face will no doubt create a visual image upon the screen of the computer used.  You didn't realize the piece required a computer?  Insufferable plebe . . . quit reading.  You degrade my work. 

For Non-Plebeian Thinkers: I recommend printing this image off on an aged piece of parchment and displaying it. The paper will no doubt serve as a fine piece of contemporary artwork worthy of any astute gallery. However, be wary - the parchment must only be hung in opposition to classical works. Otherwise, the universe would surely collapse in and upon itself by virtue of confusion. I therefore recommend the piece be hung upon the floor or ceiling.  One might also consider placing it in the trashcan; for this will surely throw the observer off, and add salience to points obscured . . . heretofore.

Now, I'm off to film a man eating a cheeseburger, so be sure to leave a like and share this genius with your intellectually challenged friends.  It will be good for them.


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